Hearken to these words, We command unto thee, Thy multitudes there for thy Words art Truth and thee shall thusly liveth thy lives according to The Word and The Word art known as The Queeble and this art The Commandments:
"And Lo! We weret happy with 10 commandments but Brian the Wise doth like to waffle on really, so there art a few more!" sayeth Roger the Divine.
1,We art the LORDS Thy Gods, which hath brought thee, the multitudes there, out of the Lands of Britain and elsewhere and out of the house of bondage for the Lord God Freddie doth not wish thee to play such bondage games unless He can play too and He doesn't have time at the moment.
2.And We calleth thee to Hearken! Hear, O multitudes there, the Words which We speaketh unto thou ears this day, that ye may learn them, and keep and do them for they art The Word. Singeth our praises loudly.
3. The Lords Thy Gods maketh this covenant with thee and thee shall thusly hearken to all thy Works.
4. Thou shalt hath no other Gods before Us for we art divine! Beware of imitations and false Gods for they pisseth Us off - unless they pay us in Pepsi Cola and produce stage shows of biblical proportions about our likenesses and insodoingeth, We shall sing their praises for only then art they worthy.
5.Thou shalt not make thee unto an idol, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth, or that is in cyberspace, or that art outside of Queen Productions, for We art the only true Gods....we willeth smite thee who e'er soforth forgeteth!
6.Thou shalt not bow down thyself to false Gods, nor serve them: for We art jealous Gods, who art verily easily pissedeth off and if thou fall out of favour with Us, thee will regret it tenfold! The sins of the fathers shall be passed onto the generations of them that hate us! We can do that for We art all powerful and almighty. Thee art ours, we possess thee, we belongeth to thee forever and ever.
7. We showeth much mercy unto thousands of thee that love Us and keep Our commandments for We doeth so liketh those who suck up mightily. But do not fall unto the trap of sycophantia for it art verily unbecoming and it art not wise. "I liketh it!" sayeth Brian the Wise. "Well We doeth not!" sayeth the Other Gods.
8. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORDS Thy Gods in vain; for the LORDS Thy Gods will not hold him guiltless that taketh Thy Gods name in vain and They shall send forth the stormtroopers in stilettos and ye who taketh the LORDS thy Gods name in vain will perish by the glittery heel below the white batwinged catsuit. For it art written.
9. Keep the sabbath day to sanctify it, as the Lord Thy Gods hath commanded thee. Keepeth thy panadol byeth thy bedside for that Vodka packeth an almighty punch. Stolli. Amen.
10. Six days thou shalt labor, and do all thy work and then hath a big piss-up on Saturday night. For in six days the Lords Thy Gods maketh of heaven and earth and put lots of sparkly stars in the skies for the Lord God Freddie doeth liketh sparkly things. The Lords Thy Gods createth the Seven Seas of Rhye, and all that art in them is, and They rested the seventh day: and blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it and cursed it, for they weret crook with hangovers from that bloody lethal Vodka which even maketh the name of Roger the Divine hurt, and it weret painful.
11. But the seventh day art the sabbath of the Lord Thy Gods: in it thou shalt not do any work for thou willest feel like shit after Saturday night. Thee and thy son, and thy daughter, and thy manservant, and thy maidservant, and thine ox, and thine valet and thine roadies and thine chefs and personal assistants. And pray tell: whateth weret thee doing with that ox? Thee willest all feeleth like shit. And thy stranger that is within thy gates willest probably feeleth like shit too, although thee shouldest not care for he art trespassing and art probably a spying paparazzi scumbag and wrath be upon him. And We shall not sign any autographs during our visitations,
12. And remember that thou weret a servant in the Lands of Bondage, and that the Lord thy Gods brought thee out thence, through Thy mighty hands and by Thy stretchedeth out arms: therefore the Lord thy Gods commandeth thee to keep the sabbath day Holy.
13. Honor thy father and thy mother, as the Lord thy Gods hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the Lord thy Gods giveth thee or thee shalleth once again feel the mighty hands and the stretchedeth out arms and thee willest getteth a big clip aroundeth thine earhole for beingest a smartarse little prick.
14. Thou shalt not kill but there art not need to taketh this quite so far as Brian the Wise, who art still under the illusion that tuna fish art beautiful and should thusly not be killed. Rex Hunt hath gained much favour with Brian the Wise but most people like to eat of the Tuna fish and that art ok. Feed a man a tuna fish and he shall repay ye with his cod.
15. Neither shalt thou commit adultery, well, that art unless thee art a God, which thee art not, so thee willest do as thee art told and We, The Lords Thy Gods willeth do otherwise and purgeth Ourselves in song and that art ok.
16. Neither shalt thou steal or download music from the internet. Yea, but this doeth piss of Brian the Wise muchly and if thou doeth indulge in this heathen activity thou can expect the full wrath of laundry powder in thouest eyes. .
17. Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbor or bloweth smoke rings in the face of Brian the Wise.
18. Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbor's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his arse (well, unless it art really cute, then We couldeth understand), but covet not any thing that art thy neighbor's. Doeth thusly as We sayeth, not as We doeth! Wrath be upon thee if thy doest not!
19. Thee shall not begat scribes.
20. Thee shalt not reporteth unto scribes Thy Gods toilet activities or wrath be upon thee.
21. Thee musteth hath clean doorbells and shouldeth thusly disinfect thy doorbell if it art rung by a scribe.
22. Thee shalt not liketh scribes.
23. Scribes doeth suck.
24. Oh, shutup Brian the Wise - thou hath madeth thy point! - the Other Gods.
25. Thou shalt not covet thy Neighbour's house in Ramsay Street but thou mayeth nip down to the pub in the East End, wherest the barmaid art a bit of alright.
25a. "Whoforart spaketh that? That art not verily funny! - Brian the Wise.
25b. "Snigger" - the Other Gods.
25c. "Oh stoppeth beingeth so childish. - Brian the Wise.
25d. "Pompous git" - the Other Gods.
26. Thou shalt not disrespect the Wisdom of Brian the Wise nor shalt thou mocketh of His hair or thou shalt thusly be outcast and set upon by ogres.
27. Scribes maketh thy bowels heaveth with despair.
28. Thou shalt drinketh Coke. Vodka art ok too, but not that other stuff.
29. Thee shalt not createth rainbows in Adobeth Photoshop, this art thusly a Godly pursuit and thee mayest not partake in such delights.
30. "Brian the Wise shouldeth thusly shutethup. That art enough commandments for now." - the Other Gods.
31.Thee relentlessly pursues perfection in every detail, it art what I art good at. It art I, sitting, compiling and rearranging scribings, late unto the night, just because it art stimulating to thee, challenging, and a reward in itself (there art no other reward!!!). So thusly I DID spend two decades of thy life scribing this kind of stuff for thee, the multitudes there, to liveth thou lives by. And I willest probably, enjoy doing it again for more commandments as I thinketh of them. But life art verily full now. and thusly, I hath other Godly things to tend to. - Brian the Wise.
32. "Oh for Gods sake, let us cracketh open the Vodka. 532BC weret a good year!" - Roger the Divine.
33. "Shuteth up Roger" - Brian the Wise.
34. "Poodle perm!" - Roger the Divine.
35. "Fat arse!" - Brian the Wise.
36. "I quit" - John the Mysterious.
37. "Behold! John maketh a joke and it weret verily funny!" The Lord God Freddie.