Hark! Come unto Thee and hearken!

Thee stand-eth here slightly dazed.

"Art Thou pissed?" interjected the Heckler.

"Nay, Thee art not pissed, Thee ne'er didst drugs"

"But Thou partake-eth of the Vodka?" continued the Heckler

"Be-eth Quiet! That wert a long time ago. Now Thee art Wise! Thee didst a long day today, rehearsing, preaching and taking care of various bits of preparation for our tour-eth, and doing just a little bit of sorting out of other people's problems too, in the confessional booth, just in a fairly normal day way....for a Wise God"

"Whereforeart The Lord God Freddie and John the Mysterious" interrupted the Heckler.

"Be-eth Quiet! They hath given Us Their Blessing. They art not missing!"

"That art not what www.queeble.com sayeth" sayeth the Heckler.

"They knoweth not of these things! Thee command-eth ye to heed them not! Thee set off for Thy Abode, feeling that Thee hath done a fairly decent day's work and had nay harmed anyone Thee couldst think of."

"That's not true! Thou ran over a cat on the way to work!" cried the Heckler.

"Thou spaketh with forked tongue!"

"Thou didst! Granny Dinsdale art beside-eth herself with grief. She'd had that cat for 18 years!" sayeth the Heckler.

"Bollocks! Thee harm-eth no living creature! Be-eth Quiet! And there happened to be-eth a copy of the Evening-eth Standard lying around. Thee picked it up, and knoweth Thee do-eth not like this paper (Thee regardeth them as pimply scumbag sniping bitches - a disgrace unto the Human Race - almost criminal - deport them unto the Antipodes).

"We stopped doing that years ago!" sayeth the Heckler

"Why?"

"Well, it wert quite stupid really, they've got a much better country than ours, hardly punishment at all really!" sayeth the Heckler.

"It art not better than the Mother Land! They hath poisonous snakes and sharks and spiders and creepy things!"

"But dost Thou, Brian the Wise, not love-eth all living creatures?" asketh the Hecker.

"Brian the Wise love-eth all Living Creatures that Brian the Wise create-eth. They wert Rogers idea."

"So why didst Thou pick up the paper if Thou dost nay like-eth it?" persisted the Heckler.

"Well, ye know, if it art lying around, even rubbish will serve as a bit of distraction for a busy God."

"That's a bit hypocritical, art it not?" asketh the Heckler.

"Oh albloodyright! I always read-eth those toerags. Thee must keep-eth tabs on their blasphemy!"

"Art Thou not just searching for news of Thyself?" quipped the Heckler.

"That art not true! Be-eth QUIET! So Thee casually thumb through the paper"

"Madly scan it from cover to cover looking for news of Thineself more likely" sayeth the Heckler sarcastically.

"BE-ETH QUIET THOU ANNOYING LITTLE MAN! And behold! Thee spy a photo of Thy friend Jeffus Beck-eth.

"Namedropper-eth!" sayeth the Heckler.

"Someone please remove-eth this man! Ah, Thee think - maybe there wilst be-eth some useful information about him - maybe he art launching a new piece of music, or whatever...."

"Oh come off it, Thou wert hoping for dirt!" cried the Heckler.

"Stoppeth! Be-eth QUIET! The photo art of him at the 'soiree' at Buckingham Palace"

"EAU!!!!!!!!!!!!" jeered the Heckler

"DO-ETH NOT MAKE-ETH THEE COME DOWN THERE! BE-ETH QUIET! Lo! Two days yonder, where he and Thee and Jimmy Page and Eric GotTheClapton were 'presented' to the Queen."

"EAU BLOODY EAU. DIDST THOU HAVE-ETH CUCUMBER SANDWICHES AT HIGH TEA?" snarled the Heckler

"Thee hath chosen to ignore Thee, insignificant Heckler person. Thee hath so many thoughts about this in retrospect-eth, and the role that the scribes playeth in it, plus the real and perceived role of the Palace, etc ... but Thee willst save-eth that for another sermon. Ye canst look forward to that one."

"EEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUU. Bring-eth it on!" laughed the Heckler

"What art thou name?"

"Thee art called Tim Lott, and here art thy picture and resume. Thee art pretty clever, and rather satirical, and Thee hath one eye cocked at the camera in a jaunty manner."

"Thou art a prat Mr Lott. How old art Thou? Two? Thou act liketh a spoilt brat!"

"And Thou art old, Thee shouldst hath droppeth dead bonking Thy groupies whilst off Thy poodled noodle on drugs years ago. Thee - up there in Thy "Moss Bros" suit!" sayeth Mr Lott the Heckler.

"Nay! It art from Ozwald Boateng, thou uneducated git "

"Get on with it" sayeth Mr Lott the Heckler

".... Anyway-eth this art verily important ... and certainly Thee art not old but WISE!"

"What art Thou point Mr Wise? Thou art crappething on and on with trivial rubbish. Thou seem-eth to love-eth the harkening of Thine own voice!" sneered Mr Lott the Heckler

"Didst Thou say-eth thee wouldst prefer it if Thee - Brian the Wise wert dead? And Eric, and Jeff, and Jimmy. Dead, from a drug overdose?"

"Nay, sayeth that thee didst not. Dead from the clap art what thee sayeth!" sayeth the Heckler.

"Thou art shocked and stunneth and knockethed back! Thy being alive art annoying thee?"

"It wouldn't be-eth so bad if Thee wouldst just shutup!" sayeth the Heckler, Mr Lott.

"Art thou trying to be-eth funny?"

"Well, everyone art laughing, except-eth Thee" snickered the Heckler.

" Maybe this art funny, art it ?? Or art it some deep satire Thee hast not twigged ? "

"Hey! I have-eth an idea! Let us OVER analyse it!" teased the Heckler.

"Why wouldst someone wish Thee dead ? Thee art still reeling at the enormity of this piece of careless poison."

"Thou love-eth a bit of Drama, do-eth Thou not! Thou shouldst have starred in a Soap-eth Opera! Thou art working Thineself into a right state, Thou git! It wert but an offhand remark-eth" sayeth the Heckler

" What do ye think, oh faithful followers ? Art this what ye want from scribes?? Art this acceptable ??"

"Boo! Hiss! Get over it Thou tosser!" jeered the crowd.

" What art ye problem ? Jealousy ? Bitterness? Art there something else ?? Well - Ye of little faith! Ye shall rue the day! For I, Brian the Wise, have lost-eth Thy temper! I, Brian the Wise, will mark ye all with the RED CIRCLE OF SIN!!! Yea, I Brian the Wise shall do unto ye such wrath and smiting! Ye all shall be-eth ADDED UNTO THY GALLERY!!"

"Thy Gallery? What the Hell art that?" laughed the Heckler.

"it art - THY GALLERY OF DUMB BUM, PRAT, SNIPING-BITCH, PIMPLY, BLASPHEMING SCRIBES! That's what it art!"

"Yea, Thee shall spaketh unto ye - this stuff can hurt. Thee hope-eth this will be-eth a lesson unto ye - irresponsible comments like-eth this at A GOD!!! It art disgraceful. It may-eth tip a less stable God over the edge. Thee ? Thee art probably OK,

really,

but...

- call-eth Thee old-fashioned -

"This RED CIRCLE OF SIN can NE"ER be-eth undone.
Unless ye apologise.
With sugar on top.

Brian the Wise