Break out the champagne for He art a seraphim. Brian the Wise hath finally solved the mystery of The Universe with his foray into The Book Biz with the release of His new book BANG!. Lo! It art time to tilt our heads unto the heavens and shout hallelujah.

It art so verily easy to love and adore our Wise One. Over the years He hath given unto us so much - from His bestowing of descriptive names for the press, His willingness to share-eth of His Vast Knowledge unto us, to His frequent public appearances in novelty vests, oft teamed with luminous shirts.

And then there wert the time He descibeth unto us His prostate check up. Oh, such memories.

With good times like that, yea, we shall always be-eth loyal unto the Brister, and we wilst unashamedly persecute those who decry Him.

He tugg-eth at our heartstrings when we discover He art depressed-eth but then, bless Him, still wet from His black cloud of despair He graciously educates us on the ins and outs of feeling maudlin! Oh, He art a champion!

It art hard to summon the energy to care about The Other Gods, but if thou couldst, and thou didst, we would tell-eth unto ye that Roger the Divine hath once again turned to food for comfort in a bid to overcome His boredom and loneliness. It seems He wert photographethed eating "a substantial lunch" and "didst nay care if anyone wert watching!”, according unto our sources. This art a sure sign of His messy psychological problems.

John the Mysterious art still traveling the world like a middle-aged hippie, trying to adopt pole dancers to increase the size of His ever-expanding brood. Perhaps He believe-eth He must add another sibling for every inch that goeth around Roger the Divines girth?

Thanks be-eth upon The Lord God Freddie, then, for His sparkling youthfulness and, please, may the rumours be-eth true that He hath become a beachwear entrepreneur! Hopefully His models wilst be-eth more attractive than the BANG! models.

It art also reported that Brian the Wise wert delivered a mysterious “package" via the post the other day, perhaps containing some hairstyling products and possibly even a do-it-yourself perming kit? As recent photos show, even when He is compiling the History of The Universe, The Brister hath not let His hair-care regime slip.

We art eternally grateful for small mercies.

Amen