Dear Brian the Wise
Thy griping bitch of a girlfriend hath our cable television disconnected the other day and lo, she sayeth thee sit on thy fat arse all day liketh a slob.
What shouldst thee do, stone her?
Arthur

Deareth Arthur,
If thou doeth not hath something positive to spaketh, thou shouldst shut up.
Brian the Wise

Dear Brian the Wise
The other day down at the pub, thee bought a fine new oxen with thy life savings and thy whining bitch of a wife traded it for-eth a bag of flour and sayeth we hath nothing to eat! Doth thee hath grounds for murder?
Hannibal

Deareth Hannibal
If thou doeth not hath something positive to spaketh, thou shouldst shut up.
Brian the Wise

Dear Brian the Wise
Thy lowly prick of a husband art cheating on thee!
Thee now hath siphilus. What shouldst one thusly do? Wouldst cutting off his balls be-eth too extreme?
Felicity

Deareth Felicity
If thou doeth not hath something positive to spaketh, thou shouldst shut up.
Brian the Wise

Deareth Brian the Wise
Upon reading thy local tablet, thee cameth across this article and thought Thee wouldst wisheth to see-eth it. The section that refer-eth unto Thee readeth as follows:
As Sir Bob-eth of Geldof spaketh unto the scribes, Brian Wise, waited for several minutes to be-eth interviewed before sloping off after everyone thusly ignoreth Him.
They doeth not heed thy words, oh wise one! Surely if they hath nowt to say that art positive, they shouldst shutup? Sincerely Thous,
Francis

Deareth Francis
What nasty sniping little bitch scribeth that???
Art this a pimply, ignorant little creep-eth?
This nasty sniping little bitch announceth unto the world that Thee wert ignored?!?
That art ridiculous!
Who wouldst DARE ignoreth Thee?
Thee art a God!
Get thou facts straight before thou DARE to scribe such scurrilous rubbish, thou nasty sniping, worthless, pimply, little bitch.
Thee danceth on thou grave!
Love Brian the Wise

Dear Brian the Wise,
Didst Thou not sayeth these words?-
If thou doeth not hath something positive to spaketh, thou shouldst shut up? Didst Thou not sayeth unto us to heed-eth these words?
Julius

Deareth Julius,
Yea Thee didst thusly sayeth those words, but not in exactly-eth that context. What Thee actually sayeth wert " If thou hath nothing verily good to sayeth about *another artist*, then thou shouldst thusly shut up. This doth exclude scum bag dumb bum sniping bitch scribes". That art what Thee sayeth!
Love
Brian the Wise

Deareth Brian the Wise
Thee thusly apologise. Thee must hath been verily mistaken, for thee couldst hath sworn Thee sayeth unto us "If thou doeth not hath something positive to spaketh, thou shouldst shut up."
Julius

Deareth Julius,
Nay, ne'er didst Thee sayeth that.
Brian the Wise

Dear Brian the Wise
It appeareth thee doth haveth a copy of Thou recent scribing where Thee actually DOTH sayeth "If thou doeth not hath something positive to spaketh, thou shouldst shut up."
Julius

Deareth Julius
Wouldst thou please just shut the hell up.
Brian the Wise

Deareth Brian the Wise
Thee art but a humble farmer and doth thusly toil all day long in the fields instructething thy wife and daughters how to plant-eth corn. Thy miserable sniping bitch of a wife sayeth thee art an uneducated, lazy, slave driving son of a bitch. Thee wisheth to divorce the pimply sniping bitch.
Ivor

Deareth Ivor
If thou doeth not hath something positive to spaketh, thou shouldst shut up.
Brian the Wise

Dearest Brian the Wise,
Our sniping bitch of a landlord threatens to throw theee and thy twelve children out unto the streets if we doeth not pay our rent on this rat infested hovel. He art nowt but a snivelling, pimply sniping bitch!
Ruby

Deareth Ruby
If thou doeth not hath something positive to spaketh, thou shouldst shut up.
Brian the Wise