The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"
[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we hath a particularly interesting episode! Brian the Wise art here to finally confess something to fellow God, Roger the Divine. So Lo! everyone, please put-eth thou-eth hands together for Brian the Wise!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now Brian the Wise, Thou art here to spaketh about someone art Thou not?
Brian the Wise: Yea.
Jerry: And what art this other person's name-eth?
Brian The Wise: Gertrude the Groupie.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Gertrude the Groupie, art actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have-eth a surprise for-eth Thee Brian the Wise, because as it happeneth there art someone else here to see-et Thou! So let us bring-eth out ... John the Mysterious!
Brian the Wise: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere Brian the Wise pull out the capsicum spray. John the Mysterious reacheth for the Chaise Lounge. Out of the shadows Lynette the Lapdancer appeareth]
Lynette the Lapdancer: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yea, everybody let us just calm down for-eth a moment here. First, tell us why Thou art here John the Mysterious.
John the Mysterious: Because Thee saw-eth Brian the Wise and Lynette the Lapdancer makething out at Market Square!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
Lynette the Lapdancer: That art a lie! Thee wert home watching Hall Of Fame Awards!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, Thee art missing the problem here ... what exactly art the problem John the Mysterious?
John the Mysterious: Because Thee hath recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Roger the Divine who hath recently become engaged to Lynette the Lapdancer.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well let us bring-eth Roger the Divine out here because Brian the Wise hath something that He needeth to spaketh unto them anyway about ... Gertrude the Groupie that art right!
Roger the Divine: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards Brian the Wise] What art the deal? Thee saw-eth Thou outside getting it on with Gertrude the Groupie! Thou knoweth how Thee feel about Gertrude the Groupie!
Lynette the Lapdancer: [screams] What? Why the hell didst Thou ask-eth thee to marry Thou if Thou art in love with Gertrude the Groupie!
Roger the Divine: Because Thee kneweth that Thee couldst ne'er haveth Gertrude the Groupie. But Brian the Wise promiseth unto Thee that they wouldst ne'er hook-eth up out of respect for Thy feelings!
Lynette the Lapdancer: What about respect for thy feelings!
[John the Mysterious walketh suddenly across the stage, embracing Roger the Divine]
John the Mysterious: Doeth nay worry baby, Thou doeth not needeth any of them now that Thou hath Thee.
[Again the crowd squeals]
Lynette the Lapdancer: Oh thy Gods! Art Thou sick!?
[Lynette the Lapdancer runeth across the room and wraps her arms around Brian the Wise tightly]
Lynette the Lapdancer: Brian the Wise taketh thee away from-eth all of this!
Brian the Wise: Thou see-eth? That art the thing ... Thee art ... well, Thee art married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
Lynette the Lapdancer: Married?
[Brian the Wise nod-eth]
Lynette the Lapdancer: Who the hell art Thou married unto? When .. when didst this happen? Thee understandeth not!
Brian the Wise: The other day. In Vegas. Thee art married unto Gertrude the Groupie.
Roger the Divine: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... didst Thou haveth a nice wedding night?
Gertrude the Groupie: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we haveth sex 72 times if that art what thou mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let thee get this all straight .. Brian the Wise art married unto Gertrude the Groupie who Roger the Divine hath secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Roger the Divine hath recently become engaged to Lynette the Lapdancer who wert recently spotted kissing Brian the Wise in Market Square. Now on top of this, John the Mysterious hath just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Roger the Divine.
Gertrude the Groupie: That art right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It art times like these that one hath to wonder whether or not these people art aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we shouldst be-eth spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we shouldst thusly just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps Thee shouldst get-eth a new job. Thanks be upon thee for watching folks - it hath been great - but for now, take care of thineselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]