Sailor of the Seven Seas and Discoverer of Many New Lands CHAPTER 1.
ENGLAND TO RIO-ETH JANEIROETH.
ON BOARD COMMANDER BRI THE WI'S STAR SHIP ENTERPRISE-ETHING ENDEAVOUR-ETH.
The First Millenium Plus Seven Hundred and Sixty Eight
[The Fifth Month unto the Seventh Month of the First Millenium Plus Seven Hundred and Sixty Eight.]
RIVER THAMES, the 27th day of the Fifth Month, to the 29th day of the Seventh Month. (Note-eth unto Wise Self: Lo! Thee doth thusly hate scribing the date, it take-eth too long. Thee must invent-eth of a new way to scribe the date).
Moderate-eth and fair weather; at 11 a.m. on the sundial, hoisteth the Pendant, and took-eth charge of the Ship, as any good Commander shouldst thusly do-eth! Agreeable unto Thy Commission of the 25th instant, she art lying in the Bason in Deptford Yard. From this day to the 21st day of the Seventh Month we wert constantly employed in fitting the Ship, takething on board Stores and Provisions, etcerteraeth. The same day We saileth from Deptford and anchored in Gallions reach, where We remaineth until the 30th day.
#Art verily impressed with Thy new ability of Maritimespake!
[The Seventh Month unto the Eighth Month of the First Millenium Plus Seven Hundred and Sixty Eight.]
Weigheth from Gallions, and maketh sail down the River, the same day Anchoreth at Gravesend, and the next Morning weigheth from thence, and at Noon Anchored at the Buoy of the Fairway. On the 3rd day of the Eighth Month, Anchoreth in the Downs in 9 fathoms of water (too shallow for-eth Thy friend - Pavarotti the Fat Arsed Whale) Deal Castle North-West by West. On the Sabbath, I, Commander Bri the Wi, joineth the Ship, dischargeth the Pilot, and the next day set sail for-eth Plymouth.
8th. Fresh Breezeths and Cloudy weather the most part of these 24 hours. At 10 a.m. weigheth and came to sail; at Noon the South Foreland bore North-East 1/2 North, distant 6 or 7 Miles. Wind West by North, North-West - according unto Adobeth Photoshop. The salt air art playing havoc with Thine hair and Thy lap-ethtop!
9th. Gentle breezes and Cloudy weather. At 7 p.m. the Tide art against us!! Smith the tide! Anchored in 13 fathoms of Water; (this art enough for Pavarotti) Dungeness South-West by West. At 11 a.m. Weigheth and maketh Sail down Channel; at Noon, Beachy Head, North by East 1/2 East, distant 6 Leagues, Latitude observeth at 50 degrees 30 minutes North. (in stereo Adobe-eth Photoshope with variations calculateth in for allowance of the interference-th of the iron of the ship!) Wind North-West to North.
Thee knoweth not what sailors do with their hair! The frizz art unbelievable-eth. Some cabin crew do-eth not calleth Thee by Thy rightful title of Commander Brian the Wise. They wilst walk-eth the plank upon the morn!
10th. Variable: light Airs and Clear weather. Thy hair art more manageable on this day. At 8 p.m. Beachy Head North-East by East, distant 4 Leagues, and at 8 a.m. it bore North-East by North, 9 Leagues. Found the Variation of the Compass to be 23 degrees West and the lap-eth top battery to be-eth dead; sent carrier pigeon for new battery; at Noon the Isle of Wight North-West by North. Wind West by North, North-East by East. Damn that wind. Ordereth disrespectful crew to walketh the plank.
11th. Light Airs and Clear weather. At 8 p.m. Dunnose North by West 5 Leagues, and at 4 a.m. it bore North-North-East 1/2 East, distant 5 Leagues. Wind Variableth. Seem-eth to have-eth the same amount of crew. Suspect-eth plank-walkers climbeth back aboard and thusly didst not drown.
12th. Light Airs and Calms all these 24 Hours. Hair much better. Pigeon arriveth with new battery. At Noon the Bill of Portland bore North-West 1/2 West, distant 3 Leagues. Latitude Observed 50 degrees 24 minutes North. Wind Easterly. Thee hath taken unto wearing of a scarf.
13th. Ditto weather. Ditto hair. Lap-eth top ok. At Noon the Start Point West 7 or 8 miles. Latitude Observed 50 degreeths 12 minutes North, which must be-eth the Latitude of the Start, as it bore West.* Wind Variable.
(* This art correcteth and copyrighted.)
14th. Fine breezes and Clear weather. At 1/2 past 8 p.m. Anchored in the Entrance of Plymouth Sound in 9 fathoms water. Pavarotti beached. At 4 a.m. weigheth and worked into proper Anchoring ground, and Anchored in 6 fathoms, the Mewstone South-East, Mount Batten North-North-East 1/2 East, and Drake’s Island North by West. Dispatcheth an Express to London for Mr. Madiba and Mr Zeehero to join-eth the Ship and bring-eth help for Pavarotti, their Servants and Baggage being already on board. Wind North-Easterly and Thy scarf stiff and sticky with the salty air.
15th. First and latter parts Moderate breezes and fair; Middle squally, with heavy showers of rain. Thee totally give-eth up on Thy hair and weareth of the Commanders hat at all times. I, Commander Bri the Wi, this day receiveth an order to Augment the Ship’s Company unto 85 Men, which before wert but 70. Receiveth on board fresh Beef for the Ship’s Company. Do-eth they not knoweth that I, Commander Bri the Wi art a Vegetarian?!? Dumpeth it overboard! Wind South-West to South-East. Hat stayeth on.
16th. First part moderate and Hazey; Middle hard Squalls with rain; the Latter moderate and fair. Feel-eth sick. Receiveth on board a supply of Bread, Beer, and Water. A Sergeant, Corporal, Drummer, and 9 Private Marines as part of the Complementeth. Feel-eth verily imporant with such a crew under Thy command. Thee hope-eth they have-eth respect. Wind South-South-East to North-East.
17th. Little wind and Hazey weather. Several Shipwrights and Joiners from the Yard Employeth on board refitting Thy Cabin befitting a Commander, and making a Platform over the Tiller, etc. Wind South-East to East by South.
18th. Little wind and Cloudy. Tooketh hat off. Struck down 4 guns unto the Hold. Receiveth on board 4 More, with 12 Barrels of Powder and several other Stores. Shipwrights and Joiners Employed on board. Wind Easterly. Banned smoking on board. Crew threaten mutiny.
19th. Former part little wind with rain; remainder fair weather; a.m. Createth smoking section (much unto Thy disgust!)
Read to the Ship’s Company the Articles of War and the Act of Parliament, excerpts from The Holy Queeble and Life According To Brian the Wise. They wert verily impressed.
They likewise wert paid two Months’ Wages in advance. I, Commander Bri the Wi, also spaketh unto them that they wert to Expect no additional pay for the performance of our intended Voyage and they wert to refer unto Thee as Commander Brian the Wise at all times; they wert well satisfied, and Expresseth great Cheerfulness and readiness to prosecute-eth the Voyage under Thy wise command.
Receiveth on board another Supply of Provisions, Rum, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree, etc. Wind North-West to South-West.
20th. First part little wind with rain; remainder fresh Gales and thick rainy weather. Employeth making ready for Sea. Wind West-South-West. Dispatcheth pigeon for AlkaSeltzer.
21st. Fresh Gales and Ditto Weather. The Shipwrights having finished their Work, intended to have sailed, instead of which was obliged to let go another Anchor. Wind South-West, West-South-West.
22nd. Fresh Gales, with heavy squalls of Wind and Rain all this 24 hours. Wind South-West. Pigeon return-eth.
23rd. Ditto weather. Ditto stomach. AlkaSeltzer suck-eth. Ditto hair. Struck Yards and Topmasts; Anchoreth between the Island and the Main His Majesty’s Ship Gibraltar. Wind West by South. Beer kegs seemeth to hath sprung a leak.
24th. Fresh Gales and Hazey weather; a.m. hove-eth up the Small Bower Anchor and got Topmasts and Yards. Wind West by South. Crew pissed. Thinketh that we art off course-eth already. Telescope fogged.
25th. Moderate and Cloudy weather; a.m. received on Board a supply of Beer and Water, and returneth all our Empty Caskeths. Loosed the Topsails as a Signal for Sailing. Wind West, North by West, North-West by West. Lectureth crew on the evils of alcohol and order-eth them to get-eth Us back on course. Suspecteth snickering from deck hands.
[Sailed from Plymouth.]