Sailor of the Seven Seas and Discoverer of Many New Lands CHAPTER 2.
LOG OF COMMANDER BRIAN THE WISE ABOARD THE STAR SHIP ENTERETHPRISING ENDEAVOURETH BOUND ACROSS THE SEVEN SEAS FOR-ETH LANDS UNKNOWETH
26th. First part fresh Breezeths and Cloudy, remaindereth little wind and Clear. At 2 p.m. got under Sail and put to Sea, havething on board 94 Persons under Thy Command, including Officereths, Seamen, Gentlemen, and Thy Servants; wouldst thusly feel verily important but still feel a bit sick. Also haveth on board near 18 Months Provisioneths, 10 Carriageth Guns, 12 Swiveleths, with good Store of Ammunition and Stores of all kinds, including Tofu and Organic Bean Sprouts.
At 8 the Dodman Point West-North-West, distant 4 or 5 Leagues; at 6 a.m. the Lizard boreth West-North-West 1/2 West, 5 or 6 Leagues distant. At Noon Sounded and hath 50 fathoms, Grey sand with small Stones and broken Shells. Must find-eth out whoforeart broke them. Took stereo-eth photographs and checketh that Pavarotti The Fat Arsed Whale wert keeping up. He wert.
Wind North by West, North-West, West by South; course South 21 degrees East; distance 23 miles; latitude 49 degrees 30 minutes North, longitude 5 degrees 52 minutes West; at noon, Lizard North 21 degrees West distant 23 miles. We headeth Back Unto The Light! Hair, a mess. Stomach, still unsettledeth. Crew, respectethful so far. #Note unto Self - must find out why crew snicker-eth each time Thee sayeth 'Up Periscope'.
27th. First part Light Airs and Graces and Clear weather, remainder fresh breezeths and Cloudy. Berthed the Ship’s Company, Mustered the Chests and Stove all that wert unnecessary. Enjoyeth give-ething orders. Life of a Commander art great. Ha ha-eth! Wind North-West, North-East, South-East; course South-West; distance 77 miles; latitudeth 48 degrees 42 minutes North, longitudeth 6 degrees 49 minutes West; at noon, Lizard North 29 degrees East, 80 miles. Hair, beyond help. Stomach, growing calmer-eth. Taken to drinking rum.
28th. Former part fresh Gales and Hazey with rain; remainder a Moderate breeze and Cloudy. Wind Easterly; course South 48 degrees West; distance 130 miles; latitudeth 47 degrees 16 minutes North, longitudeth 9 degrees 7 minutes West; at noon Lizard North 40 degrees 5 minutes East; 69 leagues. Fat Arse still keepething pace. Hair, dreadlockeths. Stomach feeleth no pain. Love-eth the rum.
29th. Light Airs and Hazey the Most part of these 24 hours with some Rain. Hair! Thee looketh like a freak! Wind North-Westerly (some crew seem-eth to suffer-eth severe wind....remove-ethed beans from menu); course South 21 degrees West; distanceth 41 miles; latitudeth 46 degrees 38 minutes North, longitudeth 9 degrees 29 minutes West; at noon, Lizard North 37 degrees 45 minutes East, 86 leagues.
30th. Fresh Gales all these 24 Hours. At 1/2 past 1 p.m. Spoke with His Majesty’s Ship Guardaloupe; at 6 Close Reeft the Topsails, and got down the Top Gallant Yards. Almost fell-eth overboard. Damn-eth of the rum. Wind Westerly (crews wind under control); courseth South 27 degrees West; distanceth 33 miles; latitudeth 46 degrees 9 minutes North, longitudeth 9 degrees 52 minutes West; at noon, Lizard North 36 degrees East, 96 leagues under the sea. Well, nay, we art not under the sea. We art sailing upon it.
31st. First and Middle parts, Moderate breezes and Clear; Latter, fresh Gales and Cloudy. Hath put-eth on woollen vest and socks. Feel-eth somewhat like-eth a pirate. Despatchedeth pigeon to purchase-eth black eye-patch. At 6 p.m. loosed the 2nd Reef out of the Topsails, almost fell overboardeth again, Thee art sure Thee felt a push. At 8 a.m. took Topsails in again because it seemeth the Commandery-eth thing to do-eth at the time. At Noon Tacked and stood to the North-West, havething stood afore to the Southward. Wind West to South-West; course South 36 degrees East; distance 82 miles; latitudeth 45 degrees 3 minutes North, longitudeth 8 degrees 43 minutes West; at noon, Lizard North-North-East, 105 leagues. Fat arse art still in Thy sights - although he seemeth somewhat further back. Hathing trouble with Thy DigiMegaSuperZoomQuikPixUltraPixel Camera. Couldst this thusly be-eth from the salt air? Thee knoweth not, but 'twill researcheth further.
Wonder if crew didst thusly try to push-eth Thee overboard? Nay! They hath the ultimate respect-eth for their Commander. Thee art being-eth silly! Silly Thee! Ha Ha-eth!
