No grass nor plants were thusly growing anywhere on Earth for The Gods had not yet sent any rain, for were they not too hungeth over from the bloody Vodka?

"Should Thee not get off Thy Holy Arses and doeth something about this Holy Wasteland" declared The Lord God Freddie. "I guesseth so" spake John the Mysterious.

And Lo! streams came up from the ground and watered the earth. The Gods took a handful of soil and maketh a man. The Gods breathed life into the man, and the man cougheth muchly and did thusly spake "Phew, Who foreart doth have the Vodka breath?"

Brian the Wise made a garden in a place called Eden, for He art good at gardening. This garden, weret in the east, according to John the Mysterious' compass that he createth from pipe cleaners, and he put the man there and said 'sit' and so the man sat.

"Ooh!" exclaimed The Lord God Freddie, "He doeth unto he is bid!" And he thusly liketh the idea. The Gods placed all kinds of beautiful trees and fruit trees in the garden, they also furnished it with antiques and a Chippendale suite. The Lord God Freddie did taketh charge of the decorations for He had great flair with such things. Two other trees were in the middle of the garden. One of the trees gave life--the other gave the power of knowledge, the difference between right and wrong. There was also a pond for the Koi Carp and a cherry blossom tree.

From Eden a river flowed out to water the garden, then it divided into four rivers. The first one is the Mercury River that flows through the land of Zanzibar, where pure gold, rare perfumes, spices and precious stones are found, also many bananas. The second is the May River that winds through the Land of Sycophantia where drinking of the water causes excessive gushing and sucking up. The Tigris River that flows east of Cornwall where Tigers roam freely and there is much hide to make drum skins is the third, and the fourth is the Deacon River which winds it's way down from the mysterious mountains and no-one really knows from whence it came or onward to wherest it flows. The

Gods put the man in the Garden of Eden to take care of it and to look after it but he was foreart a lazy bastard and would not go thither to mow the lawn, but did call Jims Mowing and paid them to do it.. But the LORDS told him, "Ye may eat fruit from any tree in the garden, except the one that has the power of knowledge. If thou art eat any fruit from that tree, ye will surely die!"

The LORDS Thy Gods said, "It art not good for the man to live alone for We would not like it. We need to make thusly, a suitable partner for him." So the LORDS took some soil and made animals and birds which they thought was very clever indeed. They brought them to the man to see what names he would give each of them. Then the man named the tame animals and the birds and the wild animals. That's how they got their names. And it was very good.

But none of these was the right kind of partner for the man. So the Gods made him fall into a deep sleep by giving him much Vodka, and They took out one of the man's ribs. The LORDS Thy Gods could not agree on which rib so there was much arguing, tantrums and hissy fits. A round of 'scissors, paper, rock, ended the feud, the Lord God Freddie winning, and deciding on the third rib. Then after closing the man's side, the LORDS made a woman out of the rib. The Lord God Freddie did not think much of this but was out voted 3 to 1. Brian the Wise suggested she have a big arse. Roger the Divine said he would prefer big boobs but let Brian the Wise win for He knew Brian would sulk if he did not get His way....He was a pretentious fart..

The LORDS Thy Gods brought her to the man, and the man exclaimed, "Here is someone like me, but why such a Fat Bottomed Girl! She is part of my body but I sure as hell don't have a big arse like that.

"My own flesh and bones, you guys surely are amazing, what can you do with an ice-cream stick and a few pipe cleaners? "John The Mysterious can do many things with such items" replied Roger the Divine, "for he art already maketh this compass!" And he showed the man the compass.

"She art very beautiful and I art pleased" spake the man, "So I will name her Woman and treat her with the respect and devotion she deserves!"

That art why a man will leave his own father and mother. He marries a woman, and the two of them become like one person except he is a lazy slob who sits on the couch all day, hogging the remote and doeth not always live up to his promise to respect her.

Although the man and his wife were both naked, they were not ashamed, and the Gods had a good perve and were well pleased.

The man later mentioned he thought her arse was too big but she shut him up by pointing out his lack of size in the crown jewels department, to which the Lord God Freddie said 'yeah well, I told them to make him more in THY likeness' and Brian the Wise got all sulky and depressed for he thought The Lord God Freddie waseth having a go at him, but he was not.

Now the LIAR was more subtle than any beast which Thy Gods had made. And he said unto the woman with the big arse, Yea, hath Thy Gods said, Ye shall not eat of any tree of the garden?

And the woman said unto the LIAR, Of the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Thy Gods hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye surely die.

And the LIAR said unto the woman with the big arse, Ye shall not surely die: for Thy Gods doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened ye arse will shrink, and ye shall be as Thy Gods, knowing all good and evil.

And when the woman with the big arse saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat; and she gave also unto her husband with her, and he did eat.

And the eyes of them both were opened, her arse shrunk and his manhood did grow much bigger and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig-leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

And they heard the voice of Thy Gods walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of Thy Gods amongst the trees of the garden.

And the LORDS Thy Gods called unto the man, and said unto him, Where art thou? And the man saideth, I heard thy voices in the garden, and I was shit scared, because I was naked; and I hid myself. 3:11 And the LORDS Thy Gods said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof We commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? Now thou hast spoilt all Our fun, damn thou!

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the LORD God Fred said unto the man, oh, that's right, blame it on the woman, thou yellow-bellied coward, ye shall have a small penis forever and ever! And POOF...a bolt of lightning struck the man and his penis was once again very small! And the LORDS Thy Gods said unto the woman, What is this thou hast done? And the woman said, The LIAR beguiled me, and I did eat.

And the LORDS Thy Gods (who were really pissed off by now) said unto the LIAR, Because thou hast done this, cursed art thou above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life, syphilis shall ye suffer ye son of a whore!:

We will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed: he shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. And Roger the Divine said, Does Thy Lord know what thou art talking about for Thine is bloody confused? Pass the Vodka.

Unto the woman The LORDS Thy Gods said, We will greatly multiply thy pain and thy conception; in pain thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. And the woman said unto Thy Gods, Yeah right!, Thou can handle a bit of pain at childbirth but howest can thou desire a man with such a small penis?....size does count, contrary to what Thouest may have been told....and Brian the Wise did sulk.

And unto Son for that art the mans namesake for it is so, Thy Gods said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which We commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in toil shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art (and a lazy bugger to boot who did not mow the lawn), and unto dust shalt thou return.

And Son saideth unto Thy Gods, bloody hell, thou shouldeth try living with her, thou must do as thou is told or there is hell to pay!!! And the man called his wifes name Daughter; because she was the mother of all living and a goddess...and one to be obeyed at that.

And The LORDS Thy Gods made for Son and for his wife coats of satin and lycra with batwings and sparkly things, and clothed them and only then did they look resplendent for it was all the Lord God Freddies design..

And the LORDS Thy Gods said, Behold, the Son hath become as one of us, to know good and evil, a right smartarse thou has becometh, this will ne'er do; and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever,therefore the LORDS Thy Gods sent him forth from the garden of Eden, banished him, to till the ground from whence he was taken, out in the back paddock behind the chook yard where it was dry and dusty for he had pissed Thy Gods off big time.

So they drove out the man; and placed him at the east of the garden of Eden, the Loser In The End, and the flame of a sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life from him forever and ever.

Come back into Thy Garden of Eden and Thy Gods will cut thy balls off cried Thy Gods in utmost indignation...for They were right pissed off with the little prick. Yea, though thou will think twice about nickin' Our fruit in the future thy tosser!

And the man knew Daughter his wife; and she conceived, and bare a son, Mad the Swine, and said, I have gotten a man with the help of The LORDS Thy Gods. And again she bare his brother Great King Rat with the help of Thy Gods....she was buggered if she knew who the bloody father was. And Great King Rat was a keeper of sheep, but Mad the Swine was a tiller of the ground.

And in process of time it came to pass, that Mad the Swine brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto Thy Gods. And Great King Rat, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And Thy Gods had respect unto Great King Rat unto his offering, for they were very hungry and they did like roast lamb with mint sauce, except for Brian the Wise who was a Vegetarian and would ne'er partake in such a feast: but unto Mad the Swine and to his offering of a few wilted lettuces and a half eaten tomato they had not respect. Even Brian the Wise was afar from impressed for it was not ORGANIC! And Mad the Swine was very wroth, and his countenance fell, and he dideth drop his daks and moon Thy Gods. And Thy Gods said unto Mad, Why art thou wroth? Why doeth thou dropeth thou daks? And why hath thy countenance fallen?

If thou doest well, shall it not be lifted up? and if thou doest not well, sin croucheth at the door: and unto thee shall be its desire, but do thou rule over it. What is this shit thou hast put before us? Why this swill is not fit for pigs and yet thou put it before thine Gods? Be gone with thou, thou art a crap farmer!

And Mad the Swine told Great King Rat, his brother. And it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Mad the Swine rose up against Great King Rat, his brother, and slew him.

And Thy Gods said unto Mad the Swine, Where is Great King Rat thy brother? And he said, I know not: am I my brothers keeper?

And Thy Gods said, What hast thou done thou little shit? the voice of thy brothers blood crieth unto Us from the ground.

And now cursed art thou from the ground, which hath opened its mouth to receive thy brothers blood from thy hand;when thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee its strength; a fugitive and a wanderer shalt thou be in the earth. And Roger the Divine said untoeth Thy fellow Gods..."Jesus Christ, we have to lay off this bloody Vodka, I didn't understand a bloody word of that!" And the Lord God Freddie said that he would much rather drink champagne from a slipper any day, and he really had to wonder what the hell they had let themselves in for.

And Mad the Swine said unto Thy Gods, "My punishment is greater than I can bear.

Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the ground; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a wanderer in the earth; and it will come to pass, that whosoever findeth me will slay me. How can great merciful Gods as Thineselves inflict such cruelty?"

And Thy Gods said unto him, Coz, we're pissed and we think it's really funny. Therefore whosoever slayeth Mad the Swine, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold." And Thy Gods appointed a sign for Mad the Swine, lest any finding him should smite him.

And tattooeth his butt they did, for that was the mark of smite!