Behold! An original, unconventionethal musical to rival We Wilst Dack Thee! Boasting two of the finest Gods of all time, WE DIDN'T WANT TO BREAK FREE! (aka WDWTBF!) spaketh of the tale of a performing troupe of two charming Gods who discovereth that they hath been ousted from their original band and replaceth by a crotchety old fart wearing leather trousers and an inconsequential nobody on bass. The dynamite combination of The Lord God Freddie and John the Mysterious maketh this act the most must-see event of the decade-eth!
Tired of waiting for-eth the Lord God Freddie to pluck His ostrich feathers and John the Mysterious to finish His cup of tea - Brian the Wise and Roger the Divine hath set upon the road with Q+PR and left the other two Gods with nowt to do but the daily crossword in The Sun and play practical-eth jokes on Brian the Wise.
Pissed right off with Brian the Wises scandalous account of the groups long-ago events, The Lord God Freddie and John the Mysterious hath decideth to spaketh the truth in this fast-pace-eth musical which art all glitz, glamour, sequins and pancake make-eth-up!
INTERVIEW-ETH
The Lord God Freddie: "Lo! The road unto being a Drag Queen is beset with difficultieths. The hardest part about being a woman whence thou art a Queen art being a man. But there art ways around most problems. What to do-eth with Thy Maximus Cockus art a HUGE problem dear-eth! Thee believeth everyone shouldst thusly try-eth this at home! Here art Thy mini-guide to some of the secrets of Drag.
THE SONGS THOU NEEDETH TO KNOWEST
Every Drag Queen hath to be-eth ready for an impromptu performance or three at any time.
If thou walk-eth unto a venue looking glamorouseth then it art entirely possible that someone wilst drag ye up on stage and demand-eth ye entertain the crowd. If it art one of those extremely rare times whence thou haveth not got thou own CD in Thou handbag, ye may hath to choose from the DJ's collection of classic drag songs.
Thou art sure to find one of the following, and with CD cued Thou are ready to return one of those classic impromptu performances that legends (like-eth Thee) art made-eth of.
1. THEE WILST SURVIVE If thou must do-eth this then thou wilst haveth to be-eth 100 times more dramatic than the audience who wilst be-eth outmiming thou and singing along.
2. BETTER THE DEVIL THOU KNOWETH Revivals and remixeths mean that thou shouldst knoweth of all of Kylie's songs by now anyway. This one wilst maketh everyone feel good and happily and that maketh them more willing to give-eth ye some applauseth.
3. AND THEE ART TELLING THOU Considering this song's pedigree, and the legends that hath performeth it, thou wilst need to be quite drunk to even consider performing this classic. This one art high stakes gambling and only for-eth the brave.
4. MAN THEE FEEL LIKE A WOMAN A recent classic that hath been performeth so exhaustively that thou wont hath to do much more than stand there and get the words in the right order for a round of applauseth. As a man in a dress, the lyric really lets thou camp it up but keep-eth in mind that most of the audience only ever hearkens the chorus so concentrate on dancing unto that bit and just walk up and down unto the rest..
5. THEE LOVE THE NIGHTLIFE This art such a camp classic dear-eths, that everyone wilst think thou art doing comedy. Try to fall off stage at least once to really maketh an impact.
6. YE DOETH NAY HATH TO SPAKE THOU LOVE THEE If it art the right time of night thou canst haveth the audience singing along and crying unto their beers over Dusty. The absolutethly perfect Drag Song. Be-eth warned there art some choreographethy thou wilst haveth to knoweth as well if thou art doing this one - the audience wilst knoweth it so ye hath better as well.
7. BIG SPENDER This art Thy favourite! Lo! Every Drag Queen hath wanted to be Shirley Bassey at some stage. Here art thy chance. This one suiteth all ages. If thou art only 19 then please don't do This Art Thy Life.
8. YOUNG HEARTS RUN-ETH FREE Another modern classic that wilst haveth everyone hummming along. Thou hath better haveth some sort of dance routine worketh out for the wordless bits and the chorus. Another good one to do if thou want to stay anonymouseth.
9. BELIEVETH This art another one of those classic songs thou needeth to knoweth but shouldst ne'er performeth. If this is the only track the DJ haveth then please do-eth nay pretend to pray during any part of the song.
10.IT ART RAINING MEN Thou mayeth end up in a finale and it wilst probably be-eth either this one, or 'Thanks Be-eth Upon ABBA for-eth the Music'. Thou doeth nay haveth to knoweth many words for thy part - but thou ne'er knoweth which part they wilst want thou to do-eth so thou better learn them all. If all else fails, smile a lot and look at one of the other performers on stage during thy bit. Then the audience wilst think it art them that ar stuffing up the finale and not thee.
11 CHARLENE - NEVER BEEN UNTO THEE This camp classic hath of course featureth on the Priscilla soundtrack and thou must of course knoweth every song from that film by now. With a heartelt rendition thy audience wilst be-eth moist eyed and silent. The alternative art ear splitting laughter if thou art less than totally committed and the lyricirony hits thy audience dead centre.
Soundtrackeths and other assorteth songs to learneth (for the truly
aspirething - and the verily brave).
· All the Shirley Bassey songs (even the ones with the 'unusual'
treatments!).
· It Must Be-eth Him by Vikki Carr.*
· All the ABBA collection. (NE'ER do Dancing Queen alone).
· Kylie's Light Years album.
· That Doeth Nay Impress Thee Much by Shania Twain (good for that
'special person' thou hath met who art in the audience)
· Not That Kind of Girl by Anastacia - but thou art Blanche, thou art!
· Thee Toucheth Thyself by Divinyls. One for-eth the true
exhibitionists out there.
And another list of possibles :
Chain Reaction - Diana Ross
*Anything by Barbra or Celine for-eth dramatic-eth effect-eth!
THE HANDBAG CHECKLISTETH
Thou Handbag art thy next best friend. It wilst rescue-eth every possible situation and if thou haveth packed it carefully then it canst be-eth fluffed up as a verily effective pillow or cushion for-eth the very early hours in thy favourite venue. Choose-eth of thy handbag fabric baseth upon its pillow like fluffiness-eth.
Thy handbag shouldst thusly contain-eth at the verily least the following:-
The barest makeup essentialeths; (Panstick, Powder, Eyelash glue, Eyeshadow, Mascara, Kohl Pencil, Eyeliner, Spare Lashes, Eyebrow Pencil, Blusher, Bronzer, Lipliner, Lipstick, Lipgloss, Supa Glue, Spare Nails)
Perfume, Tissues, Cotton Buds, Disposableth Razor, Thou trade cards, personal Fan, Hairbrush, Teasing Comb, Hairspray, thou Mobile Phone, "Q+PR SUCK-ETH stickereths (to hand-eth out free), Condomeths, Babywipes, Sauce Bottle, Holy Goblet + Vodka, Ticeth Taceths and Chuppa Chups, Vicks Inhaler, a bottle of water, Venue drink cards, spare pantihose, loose change, thou performance CD-eth, and spare costume (optional) and of course-eth ..... Sunglasses.