1 Now the word of Brian The Wise came unto A Paparazzi Scumbag, the scourge of Brian the Wise, saying,

2 Arise, go to Your Media Outlet, that great beezlebubbling blithering bag of bullrushes, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me and they have denounced my fashion sense.

3 A Paparazzi Scumbag rose up to flee unto Japan from the presence of Brian The Wise as he knew that Brian the Wise would not set foot there while the whale eating season was on, and he went down to the East End; and he found a ship going to Tokyo by paying a barmaid not to sing: he paid for a bottle of Vodka, the nectar of the Gods, and went down into the ship, to go with them unto Tokyo from the presence of Brian The Wise.

4 But Brian The Wise sent out a great wind into the sea because Roger the Divine had given him more olives to test and there was a mighty tempest in his bowels, so that the sea was wild and the ship was like to be broken.

5 Then the mariners were afraid, and cried every man unto his god, and cast forth the Hale and Pace Stonk vinyls that were in the ship into the sea, to lighten it of them. But A Paparazzi Scumbag was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep as he had partaken of the nectar of the Gods to escape the mariners singing to Seaside Rendevous.

6 So the shipmaster came to him, and kicked him and said unto him, What meanest thou, O sleeper? arise, call upon thy God, if so be that God will think upon us, that we perish not. But A Paparazzi Scumbag knew not to call upon his God for his God had the shits, literally. Amen.

7 And they said every one to his fellow, Come, and let us draw fart straws, that we may know for whose cause this evil is upon us. So they farted through straws, and the lot fell upon A Paparazzi Scumbag.

8 Then said they unto him, Tell us, we pray thee, for whose cause this evil is upon us; What is thine occupation? and whence comest thou? what is thy country? and of what people art thou?

9 And he said unto them, I am A Paparazzi Scumbag; and I fear Brian The Wise, the God of heaven, which hath made the sea and the dry land and Starfleet Albums. And the mariners laughed for the Gods bad taste in music.

10 But then were the mariners exceedingly afraid as they remembered the Hot Space album, and said unto him. Why hast thou done this? For the men knew that he fled from the presence of Brian The Wise, because he had told them.

11 Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous and our cigarettes are getting wet.

12 And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you. And the mariners laughed and called him pissedeth.

13 Nevertheless the mariners rowed hard to bring it to the land; but they could not: for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous against them and they had all partaken of the Nectar of the Gods of A Paparazzi Scum and so were vomitouseth.

14 Wherefore they cried unto Brian The Wise, and said, We beseech thee, O Brian The Wise, we beseech thee, let us not perish for this man's life, and lay not upon us innocent blood: for thou, O Brian The Wise, hast done as it pleased thee.

15 So they look up A Paparazzi Scumbag, and cast him forth into the sea to save their own scrawny necks as they were not heathens and had read Commandment 10: and the sea ceased from her raging.

16 Then the men feared Brian The Wise exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto Brian The Wise, and made vows to remove all traces of pubic hair from their heads.

17 Now Brian The Wise had prepared a great Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna) to swallow up A Paparazzi Scumbag. And A Paparazzi Scumbag was in the belly of the Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna) three days and three nights.

Chapter 2

1 Then A Paparazzi Scumbag prayed unto Brian The Wise his God out of the Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna)'s belly,

2 And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto Brian The Wise, and he heard me; out of the belly of a really big Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna) cried I, and thou heardest my voice.

3 For thou hadst cast me into the deep, in the midst of the seas; and the floods compassed me about: all thy billows and thy waves and thy noxious gasses and thy non bio degradable dandruff passed over me.

4 Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight; yet I will look again toward thy holy temple. I cried to the Lord God Freddie Mercury as he was the one who could help me find the back passage of the Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna) and my escape route.

5 The waters compassed me about, even to the ass-soul: the depth closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head but I pressed on towards the backdoor.

6 I went down to the bottoms of the ribcage; the gut with her bars was about me for ever: yet hast thou brought up my life from a really bad coupla days, O Freddie Mercury my God.

7 When my soul fainted within me I remembered the Lord God Freddie Mercury: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple screaming for some sanity.

8 But I will sacrifice unto thee with the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay that that I have vowed. Salvation is of Lord God Freddie Mercury.

9 And the Lord God Freddie Mercury spake unto the Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna), and it shat out A Paparazzi Scumbag upon the dry land.

10 The Lord God Freddie Mercury laughed and the Gods Roger the Divine and John the Mysterious chuckled and decreed "Let's see Brian rant about that one". And they did chuckle again and passed around the nectar bottle.

Chapter 3

1 And the word of John the Mysterious came unto A Paparazzi Scumbag this time, saying,

2 Arise, go unto Tokyo, that great city, and preach unto it the preaching that I bid thee.

3 So A Paparazzi Scumbag arose even though he was covered with Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna) shit, and went unto Tokyo, according to the word of John the Mysterious. Now Tokyo was an exceeding great city of three days' journey.

4 And A Paparazzi Scumbag began to enter into the city a day's journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Tokyo shall be overthrown by Brian the Wise who has declared hatred upon those who eat of the sea creatures.

5 So the people of Tokyo believed the word of John the Mysterious, and proclaimed a fish eating feast, and put on glittery lame catsuits and flippers and snorkels, from the greatest of them even to the least of them.

6 For word came unto the king of Tokyo, and he arose from his throne even though he had been constipated for seven days and seven nights, and he laid his robe from him, and covered his manhood with seaweed, and sat in a haystack because his constipation was suddenly cleared and he was shitting through the eye of a needle.

7 And he caused it to be proclaimed and published through Tokyo by the decree of the king and his nobles, saying, Let neither man nor beast, herd nor flock, reject the taste of any thing from the sea: let them not pack up their fishing tackle nor cast out their spears and harpoons:

8 But let man and beast be covered with Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna) oil, and cry mightily unto God: yea, let them turn every one to our non vegetarian way, and from the veganism that is in Brian the Wises hand.

9 Who can tell if Brian the Wise will turn and repent, and turn away from his fierce anger, and give us a break?

10 And Brian the Wise saw their works, that they turned to their carnivorous ways; and Brian the Wise thought about the missing royalties, that they had said that they would give unto him; and he thought long and hard about it and ended up saying "it's ok, you can eat Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna) but I want a part of it too".

Chapter 4

1 But it displeased A Paparazzi Scumbag exceedingly, and he was very angry.

2 And he prayed unto Brian The Wise, and said, I pray thee, O Brian The Wise, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my home country? Therefore I fled before unto Tokyo: for I knew that thou art a jealous God, and unmerciful, although slow to anger, and of great kindness, and thou was really pissed off.

3 Therefore now, O Brian The Wise, take, I beseech thee, the slanderous words you said of me; for I wish to work again for the BBC.

4 Then said Brian The Wise, Doest thou well to be angry?

5 So A Paparazzi Scumbag went out of the city, and sat on the east side of the city, and there made him a documentary, and revealed how Soap comes from the Oil of Albacore Tuna,while drinking the last of his last bottle of nectar.

6 And Brian The Wise God prepared a hot air balloon, and made it to come up over A Paparazzi Scumbag, that it might be a shadow over his head, to spy on the documentary. So A Paparazzi Scumbag was exceeding glad of the hot air balloon and called upon his saviour Gods to do as they would to the hot air balloon.

7 So Roger the Divine prepared a dart when the morning rose the next day, and it smote the hot air balloon that it withered.

8 And it came to pass, when the sun did arise, that The Lord God Freddie Mercury prepared a vehement east wind; and blew the hot air balloon away from the head of A Paparazzi Scumbag, that he could continue with his tell all documentary, and wished in himself that he had not partaken of the nectar the previous night because he had carrot in his moustache.

9 And Lord God Freddie Mercury said to A Paparazzi Scumbag, Doest thou well to be angry for the hot air balloon? And he said, I do well to be angry, even with this shocking hangover because Brian the Wise is going down, man, for throwing me into that Albacore Tuna(the best eating tuna)'s gut.

10 Then said Brian The Wise, Thou should hast pity on the Albacore Tuna (the best eating tuna) , for the which thou hast eaten, and chewed on a salad sandwich with vinegar; and for which I, Brian the Wise God, has never harmed in any way except to shove you down it's throat for a while.

11 And A Paparazzi Scumbag turned to the voice of Brian the Wise, and rose up unto his full height and lifted his fist skyward and said "Where do you think soap comes from you dumb fuck?"

12 And Roger the Divine, John the Mysterious and Lord God Freddie Mercury shook their bare behinds in the direction of Brian the Wise and decreed "Eat shit". And it was so.