The Thirteenth Day of the Fifth Month of the New Millenium Plus Five
Reporter: A Heckler
Biggus Budget Advertising Hit-eth Collection Plate
Holy Queeble Church officials yesternight announceth a $3 million shortfall in the Church's New Millenium Plus Five budget, causethed chiefly by parishes and dioceses pilferething funds to advertise the New Millenium Plus Eight Quolympic Games.
"We art simply following the wishes of Brian the Wise" they sayeth in defence of thier actioneths!
When asketh how they expecteth to feed the worlds poor and clothe and shelter the worlds hungry they replieth:
"Brian the Wise decree-eth it art more important-eth to entertain-eth the multitudes, for He art afeard of them spiralling-eth out of control, begetting and begatting, like-eth last time! The Gods simply canst not be-eth bothered to destroy the world and start again! Besideth, it art verily hard on the Gods bladders to haveth to pee constantly for-eth 40 day and 40 nights just to flood the earth!"
"Yea! That art one hell-eth of a lot of piss!" sayeth I, The Heckler.
"Yea! That it art!" sayeth They.
"But surely thou canst not mean that Brian the Wise would create-eth Armageddon because people haveth sex?" sayeth I, The Heckler, incredulously.
"Ssssshhhhhhh-eth!" they say, "Ye canst ne'er sayeth of the word SEX, for-eth Brian the Wise haveth trolls patrolling upon the earth and if they do-eth hearken thee, thou shall be-eth smited and banned from-eth the Queeble World for-eth all time!"
"Nay, that art crap-eth!" sayeth I, The Heckler, "The Queeble world art not afeard of-eth such trolls!"
"Really!" they sayeth!
"Yea!" sayeth I, The Heckler, "The Queeble believeth in the True Spirit and The Word according to the Gods - back forethwith whence yonder thither they didst "Worketh As One"!"
"Oh!" sayeth They.
"Yea! They sayeth freely of the word SEX and lots of other naughty things and they didst ne'er giveth a toss!" sayeth I, The Heckler.
"Do go-eth on" They demandeth.
"Lo! They didst haveth much SEX and WILD PARTIES full of nakedethness, and drunkenethness and dwarfethness and funny white powder on trays" sayeth I, The Heckler.
"Nay, that canst ne'er be-eth true, but it doth sound like fun!" They sayeth "But this canst ne'er be-eth! We read-eth of the Pure And Pristine Apple-Polisher Proclamationeths and the Get-eth-Thou-Whites-Whiter-Than-White-PersilBox and we see-eth nowt bad words, curseths, cusseths, expletiveths, obscenityeths, profanity, or vulgarityeth!"
"Thee art all plonkers if thou believeth such propaganda-eth! Readeth of The Verily Old Queeble and ye shalt see-eth!" sayeth I, The Heckler.
And that wert the conversation I, the Heckler, haveth with them, but now, to continue-eth with thy reporting of-eth this 'breaking news story'!...............
Lo! The shortfall doth equal 6 percent of the $48 million in revenue the Church didst expecteth this year. Church officials, according to documents obtaineth by The Holy City Times, hath reviseth the budget unto $45.1 million.
Figures releaseth at a Queeble Executiveth Council meeting in The Holy City, showeth the 107 dioceses are givething $2 million less unto the Poor House this year.
Relief workers sayeth the budget reduction art a direct result of the massive Quolympic Advertising Budget.
"This art a result of the uproar they sayeth wouldst ne'er happen," sayeth the Chief Good Samaritan. "If thou standeth on the air hose, the diver surfaceth pretty quickly to see-eth what the hell art going on. How can we e'er do-eth of our good works if we haveth no fundeths?"
At an October meeting of the QCFC Brian the Wise decreed to "redirecteth Our financial resources, unto the fullest extenteth possible, toward Quolympic Advertising, and away from-eth those structureths that supporteth the unrighteous actions of the over-begatted amongeth us."
Thus, The Chief Good Samaritans sayeth, the revenue losses by the end of The New Millenium Plus Eight willst be-eth even worse than Officials predictedeth.
But The Centaur, the Church's Treasurer, calleth the reduceth contributions "a piss unto the seven seas" in their effecteth on Church Operations.
"The reduction art well below-eth what Naysayers and Doomsdayers wert predictething last August," he told the Holy City Times, "So do-eth not Naysay and Doomsday around here or we wilt smite ye."
Only 84 dioceses hath told Church headquarters in The Holy City what their contributions wilt be-eth this year, but of those dioceses, 40 hath promised to equal or exceedeth their yearly gift of 21 percent of their budget.
Two dioceses art giving no money, and 42 have reduceth their contributions, giving between 3 percent and 20 percent of their income.
The Good Samaritan predicteth more reductions as Obeyers Of The Wise continue to diverteth their offerings unto Quolympic Advertising.
"This art just the beginning," he sayeth. "People wilt be-eth more excited about supporting Quolympians in a lyra feather boas driving limousines than hospitals in Tanzania-eth and soup kitchens in the The Holy City. It art all Doom and Gloom here-ethforthwhencehitherto."