6:9 These are the generations of Crystal. Crystal was a righteous man, and perfect in his generations, an electrician: Crystal strutted with Thy Gods. 6:10 And Crystal begat three sons, for he was good at begatting and did enjoy it. 6:11 And the earth was corrupt before Thy Gods, and the earth was filled with violence and smack down wrestling. 6:12 And Thy Gods saw the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted their way upon the earth. And Thy Gods were not amused for they did ne'er approve of corruptness and smack down wrestling....well only at after show parties, but that was different.

6:13 And Thy Gods said unto Crystal, The end of all flesh is come before us; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, We will destroy them with the earth, for We are angry and we do things like that when we are angry....just for the hell of it. 6:14 Make thee an ark of 45mm ply wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch, as far as pitchers go, thus art what thou do with them, we think.... 6:15 And this art how thou shalt make it: the length of the ark three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits, and make sure there is a big esky with enough room for forty score bottles of Vodka for thee shall be a long time at sea. And the Lord God Freddie commanded the arks interior design be run by him for approval for he would not abide common furnishings and colours that did clash. For it is written.

6:16 A light shalt thou make to the ark, and to a cubit shalt thou finish it upward; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. Hopeth do we, that thee can figureth this out for We have no bloody idea what we just spake but it soundeth good...just buildeth the bloody thing and pray thee put in life jackets. 6:17 And We, behold, do bring the flood of waters upon this earth, to destroy all flesh, for we are pissedeth off with everyone, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; everything that is in the earth shall die. Pisseth us off and ye shall see that we can be means sons of bitches!

6:18 But We will establish Our covenant with thee; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee, for thouest do know how to lighteth the wayeth to Thy Gods and it worketh everytime, for We do smile radiantly upon thee who doeth.

. 6:19 And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, two by two, thy human zoo, they'll be running for to come, running for to come, out of the rain.....ooooohhhhh, flee for your life....."SIT DOWN AND SHUTETH UP!" Brian the Wise did commandeth of The Lord God Freddie. And further did Brian the Wise cry out: "Thouest need not to burst forth with thy song justeth yet, for I was still commanding unto Crystal!! Hark! Why do thou interrupt when I have business of the serious kind?"

"Oh do get off thou soapestbox and get on with it" spake Roger the Divine and the Lord God Freddie did siteth in the corner and eat Cornflakes.

"Now, where waseth I?" Brian the Wise did continue " Oh, yea, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female and they shall knoweth each other and ye shall have a floating orgy.

6:20 Of the birds after their kind, and of the cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the ground after its kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. Oh, and try to grab a couple of banana trees if thou can for banana smoothies are good for thou breakfast. 6:21 And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, (especially bananas) and gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them."

6:22 Thus did Crystal; according to all that Thy Gods, especially Brian the Wise, commanded him, so did he. He did buildeth the ark and proud was he of his achievements ..... for of no help were the building plans of Thy Gods for they taketh excess of the Vodka and thinketh straight they could not.....and of building arks they knoweth not.

7:1 And Thy Gods said unto Crystal, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have We seen righteous before Us in this generation, thou did obeyeth and Thy Gods are well pleased with thee. 7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee seven and seven, the male and his female; and of the beasts that are not clean two, the male and his female: 7:3 of the birds also of the heavens, seven and seven, male and female, to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth. 7:4 And if We do not lay off the Vodka, we will surely stuff things up again forto art this is already sounding like the pisseth talking. But to continue afore too pissedeth we becometh, .... for yet seven days, and We will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights. persist down shall it, from the heavens above; and every living thing that We have made will We destroy from off the face of the ground for we madeth it all. and stuffed up it wenteth and We for art embarrassed about it and wish to start again. 7:5 And Crystal did according unto all that Thy Gods commanded him for he kneweth wherefore the breadeth art buttereth, and besides, to not doeth unto thy Gods wishes could result in a lightning bolt up ones arse and this he did not wish.

"Farewell all ye fornicators, ye unrighteous creations of the evils of too much Vodka." declared Thy Gods in unison. " The end is nigh for all ye who do not worship Thy Gods, but acteth like Rock Stars and do disregardeth the fact that such behaviour is reserved only for Thy Gods in the highest. Piss on ye from the heavens we willeth and thou shalt burn in hellfire for all eternity."

7:6 And Crystal was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth and Thy Gods would still not let him draw a pension even though he was very frail and tired. 7:7 And Crystal went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood. 7:8 Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of birds, and of everything that creepeth upon the ground, 7:9 there went in two and two unto Crystal into the ark, male and female, as Thy Gods commanded Crystal, for even though he was six hundred years old, he still did as he was told. 7:10 And it came to pass after the seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth. 7:11 In the six hundredth year of Crystal’s life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened. 7:12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

7:13 In the selfsame day entered Crystal, and his three sons, and Crysal’s wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark; "Bloody hell', cried Crystal unto his missus "You've packed enough stuff for a bloody world cruise, woman!" 7:14 and two by two, thy human zoo, they were running for to come, running for to come, out of the rain. 7:15 And they went in unto Crystal into the ark, "Thy will be damn lucky to squeeze in, what with the amount of stuff the wife has packed".... two and two of all flesh wherein is the breath of life. 7:16 And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as Thy Gods commanded him: and Thy Gods shut him in, liketh sardines in a tin. 7:17 And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lifted up above the earth and yea did it float and Crystal was surprised. "Thy will be buggered" he cried, "It floats!" . 7:18 And the waters prevailed, and increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.

7:19 And the waters needed to prevail exceedingly upon the earth but, alas, beginning to ease off they were and Brian the Wise did createth a rainbow with Adobe Photoshop and said unto the other Gods, isn't it pretty? John the Mysterious spake unto Brian the Wise and said 'Thouest art a big skirt" and Brian the Wise did sulk. Roger the Divine said unto the other Gods: "This will ne'er do, we art running out of water! We must kill off these violent fornicators who we created when we were pissedeth, for art thou an embarrassment unto us". And so Thy

Gods decided they would have to help things along. And Thy Gods did partake is a huge vodka session and spake unto each other, Let us see what we can do with thine hoses! and it was so!. And pisseth down upon the earth did they, laughing with much merriment, and all the high mountains that were under the whole heaven were covered. "Bet I can piss further than thou" cried The Lord God Freddie unto Roger the Divine and John the Mysterious...and it was so. Brian the Wise did still sulketh for they made funeth of his rainbows. 7:20 Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered. "Oooohhh, and look whateth happen if thou drinketh of the red cordial" squealed Roger the Divine. "Eeeeeekkkk, mines turning blueth" the Lord God Freddie did claim. 7:21 And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both birds, and cattle, and beasts, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: 7:22 all in whose nostrils was the breath of the spirit of life, of all that was on the dry land, died. "Taketh that" shouted Thy Gods. 7:23 And every living thing was destroyed that was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and creeping things, and birds of the heavens; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Crystal, thy Gods Boy, only was left, and they that were with him in the ark cramped up like sardines. 7:24 And the waters prevailed upon the earth a hundred and fifty days for Thy Gods were passedeth out for ages from the massive Vodka session and forgot all about Crystal and his ark and the water that coveredeth the whole Earth.

8:1 And Thy Gods awoke, with massive hangovers and remembered Crystal, and all the beasts, and all the cattle that were with him in the ark: and Thy Gods broke wind to pass over the earth, and did decide a farting competition was thy order of the day. And Thy Gods let off some rippers and the waters assuaged; "What have thou done with thy rainbows? And whateth is that smell?" cried Brian the Wise and did sulk some more. 8:2 the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained and Thy Gods did cry out for Panadol; 8:3 and the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of a hundred and fifty days the waters decreased. 8:4 And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains . 8:5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.

8:6 And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Crystal opened the window of the ark which he had made: "Bloody hell, goodeth it is to get some fresh air in here" he spake unto no-one in particular. 8:7 and he sent forth a crow, and it went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth. 8:8 And he sent forth a budgie from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground; 8:9 but the budgie found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him to the ark; for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: and he put forth his hand, and took her, and brought her in unto him into the ark and spake unto the budgie "Those bloody Gods have been on the piss again and forgoteth all about us, have they". 8:10 And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the budgie out of the ark; 8:11 and the budgie came in to him at eventide; and, lo, in her mouth a gum-leaf plucked off: so Crystal knew that the waters were abated from off the earth and Thy Gods must have awoken for he could smell the foul odour of their holy farts. 8:12 And he stayed yet other seven days while the air cleared, and then sent forth the budgie; and she pissed off, never to return.

8:13 And it came to pass in the six hundred and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, that the Gods decided it would be a good idea to invent a calendar for this crap was getting rather confusing. and so on that day, whatever day it was, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Crystal removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dried. 8:14 And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dry. 8:15 And the Gods spake unto Crystal saying, 8:16 Go forth from the ark with the stylish interior, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives with thee and if thou have time please whip up a calendar. 8:17 Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee of all flesh, both birds, and cattle, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth. 8:18 And Crystal went forth and said 'no worries, mate', and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him for they were all keen to do some begatting and get off the bloody ark, even though it did have a stylish interior: 8:19 every beast, every creeping thing, and every bird, whatsoever moveth upon the earth, after their families, went forth out of the ark and Crystal said unto no-one in particular, 'bloody hell, it's nice to breathe some fresh air'.

8:20 And Crystal builded an altar unto The Gods, and took of every clean beast, and of every clean bird, and offered burnt-offerings on the altar for he was tired of 'ark food' and did feel like a barbie.

8:21 And the Gods smelled the sweet savor of sausages and onions; and the Gods said in their hearts, We will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake, for that the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will We again smite any more everything living, as We have done for we will lay of the Vodka for a time and be nice for it is too much hard work to begin again and We are indeed in a good mood today. 8:22 While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.

9:1 And the Gods blessed Crystal and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. 9:2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every bird of the heavens for thou art a scary looking dude after being stuck on that ark for ages...why doeth thou not have a shave?; 9:3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be food for you; As the green herb have We given you all. 9:4 But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat. 9:5 And surely your blood, the blood of your lives, will We require; At the hand of every beast will We require it. And at the hand of man, even at the hand of every man’s brother, will We require the life of man. 9:6 Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed: For in the image of the Gods made Us man. 9:7 And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; Bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein. And Brian the Wise spake unto the other Gods and said 'hang on a minute, you lot have been on the Vodka again, that didn't maketh a scrap of sense!" And the Gods did sayeth unto Brian the Wise 'Did not!' but looked rather guilty and shame faced.

9:8 And the Gods spake unto Crystal and to his sons with him, saying, 9:9 And We, behold, We establish Our covenant with you, and with your seed after you; 9:10 and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the cattle, and every beast of the earth with you. Of all that go out of the ark with the stylish interior, even every beast of the earth. 9:11 And We will establish Our covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of the flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth for We cannot pee that much again if we lay off the vodka. 9:12 And the Gods said, This is the token of the covenant which We make between Us and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: 9:13 We do set Our bow in the cloud which has been made by Brian the Wise in Adobe Photoshop, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between Us and the earth. 9:14 And it shall come to pass, when We bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud, 9:15 and We will remember Our covenant, which is between us and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. 9:16 And the bow that was created in Adobe Photoshop shall be in the cloud; and We will look upon it, that We may remember the everlasting covenant between the Gods and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth. And Brian the Wise was well pleased for it was his rainbow that he did make in Adobe Photoshop and The Gods had stopped making fun of it now that they had laid off the vodka. 9:17 And the Gods said unto Crystal, This is the token of the covenant which We have established between Us and all flesh that is upon the earth. And Crystal said unto the Gods, 'yeah, I got it the first time, why do thou go on so?' for Crystal was getting sick of their crap talk and wished they would invent an easier language.

9:18 And the sons of Crystal that went forth from the ark with the stylish interior, were King of Rhye, and Serpent of the Nile, and Neptune of the Seas: and Serpent of the Nile is the father of Leroy Brown. 9:19 These three were the sons of Crystal: and of these was the whole earth overspread.

9:20 And Crystal began to be a husbandman, and planted a vineyard: 9:21 and he drank of the wine, and was drunken. "If the Gods can drink much Vodka and talk such utter crap, so thy can drinketh of the wine" he shouted unto the heavens. "And it's not a bad drop if thy does say so thyself' he slurred. And he was uncovered within his tent and did gat many mosquito bites and did calleth for the Aeroguard. 9:22 And Serpent of the Nile, the father of Leroy Brown, saw the nakedness of his father, and did laugh mightily and said 'silly old fart, he's pissed again" and told his two brethren without. 9:23 And Serpent of the Nile did get out the digital camera and sold the photos to the tabloids for three bags of salt. And King of Rhye and Neptune of the Seas took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father. And their faces were backward, and they saw not their father’s nakedness for they knew it would piss him off a lot. 9:24 And Crystal awoke from his wine, and knew what his youngest son had done unto him for there, in the doorway of his tent, was the Daily Mirror and Hark! his nakedness was splashed across the front page. 9:25 And he said,

Cursed be Leroy Brown;
A servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.
How dare ye sell thy naked photos to the press!
And he did spit chips and yell and rant further:

9:26 And he roared,

Blessed be the Gods, the God of King of Rhye;
And let Leroy Brown be his servant.
9:27 God enlarge Neptune of the Seas and he shall be known as Neptune of the Seas with the big willy,
And let him dwell in the tents of King of Rhye;
And let Leroy Brown be his servant.
And get me another drink!

9:28 And Crystal lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years and did drink much wine. 9:29 And all the days of Crystal were nine hundred and fifty years: And he died.