Dear Brian the Wise,

Lo! I art havething a great time on vacation but of course I art looking forward verily unto the new tour with thouself and Prophet Paul. Thusly I hath finally caught up with John and Freddie and getting in some much needed R&R (for reasons thou wouldst scarcely understand, ie: dropping shag-rate, etc.)

Behold, we doth feel ever-so-slightly guilty (not) that we art partying and thou art working!

Howe’er, in our spare time we hath discusseth Thou problem of non-existant Bang! Sales and we hath a solution for-eth Thee!

Confession!

Yea! Thou must decree that everyone doth reek of Sin and The End art nigh! Confession of their wicked sins art the only hope for forgiveness and absolution!

Insist-eth that thou, Brian the Wise, art their Saviour and once confession art hearkened - Thou wilst assign penance...we thought perhaps....a purchase of some sort, say...a book?

The sinners must be-eth truly contrite afore Thee and sayeth unto Thee something like this:

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Receive thy confession, O Most Wondrous Wise God, only hope for salvation of thy pitiful soul. Grant unto thee true contrition, so that I may, by penance, maketh satisfaction for thy many sins. Savior of the World, O Mighty Poodle Head, Who gaveth of all Thou Stuff to saveth us, look upon thee, most wretched of all sinners; hath pity on thee, and giveth thee the light to knoweth thy sins, true sorrow for them, and a firm purpose of ne’er committing them again.

***

And then Thou must sayeth unto them thusly:

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Whoever shalt faithfully serve Thee by the recitation of the first chapter of Bang!©, shall receive Thy Graces. I promise the Greatest Graces to all those who can recite Bang!© From cover to cover! Bang!© art a powerful armor against Hell©, it will destroy vice, decrease sin, and defeat heresies. O, the soul which recommendeth itself to Thee by the recitation of Bang!©, shalt not perish. Whoever shall recite Bang!© devoutly, applying himself unto the consideration of its sacred mysteries shalt ne’er be conquered by misfortune. He shall remain in the Grace of Brian the Wise©, and become worthy of Eternal Life©. Whoever shall have a true devotion for Bang!© Shalt not die without the sacraments of the Cyber Church of Wisdom Those who do not haveth a copy of Bang!© will die a horrible death! A pestilence upon them!

And by the way, I hath obtained from The Other Gods a decree that all the advocates of Bang!© shall hath a ‘private confessional’ with the God of their choice.

***

They must, of course, then cometh back unto Thee with proof of purchase.

Only then canst Thou giveth them absolution!

The Other Gods and I assureth thee that this action wilst increase Thy flagging sales figures.

Shaggingly Yours,

Roger