SMITE THEM!
So angry art I, that I hath scribed a poem of woe:
I art angry with thy friend:
And I water’d it in fears,
And it grew-eth both day and night,
And into thy garden stole
I tell-eth thy wrath, thy wrath didst end.
I wert angry with thy foe:
I told it not, thy wrath didst grow.
Night and morning with thy tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
Till it bore an apple bright;
And thy foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it wert mine,
When the night had veil’d the pole:
In the morning glad I see
Thy foe outstretch’d beneath the tree
.
Lo! Try as I might not to scribe this, scribe-eth I must. Resistance-eth art useless!
I hath been a big Apple Mac-eth supporter for years.
But I art really beginning to hate thy new one.
New mains plug, new chip, 4 times faster ..... so I went for-eth it ...
“Go-eth for it Doctor Wise Bri” I sayeth unto Thyself!
But Thee art beginning to really HATE thy MacethbethBook Pro.
The new mains adaptor art almost twice as big, and twice as heavy as the old one ... but still get-eth twice as hot. Or shouldst I say, damn hot, fifty times – nay – thousands of times hotter!
But the computer itself art a much bigger disappointment.
The first thing Thee notice-eth wert that the BATTERIES art now almost twice as big as the previous ones ... and corrrethpondingly heavier. Carrying a spare battery and and a mains charger now breaks thy back. Damn. Thee hath enough trouble holding up Thy poodle perm now, let alone with a broken back!
Then I noticeth that all the backgrounds to thy folders came up wrong as soon as I changed over unto this model .... these art all coded by me, and built up over the last few years and they art full of verily important stuff! Thy moods art colour-coded on Thy MacethBookPro folders, white art for thy purist days, beige for mildy irritated and so on up to thy Major Folders which range up unto PUCE!
The MacethBookPro art incapable of returning the right colours .... and, worse than this .... if thou try to redefine-eth the colours, it give-eth unto ye a different colour next time thou open the folder. Thou cannot get the machine to guarantee thee a colour. Utterly Dumb. Dumb, sniping bitches. How the hell canst a Wise God express-eth His Holy Moods without failsafe colour-coding? And whilst we art on the subject of colour©, it wert THY INVENTION and Apple Mac-eth have no right to change-eth it!
This fault hath wasted hours of thy time .... I went through a whole system of trying to replace the folder backgrounds I use most oft with JPEGS of uniform colour. But the computer then wastes loads of thy precious time showing thee the coloured BEACH BALL OF DEATH whilst it trieth to open these JPEGS before it canst open thy folder. Rubbish-eth!
Thy old model (G4) wert intelligent enough to deal decently with the battery running down. It gave-eth unto thee a warning ... then, when the power wert low enough it closed itself down to a sleeping position and when the charger wert inserteth it sprang-eth back unto life.
The new one art completely unhelpful. Wrath be upon it! Usually I get-eth no warning of the low battery (and because the new mains plug pulls out easily it oft happens that the thing runs down before thee realise) - it just suddenly DIES. Then - no matter how quick thee art .... the whole thing needeth to be-eth restarted .... it hath forgotten everything I wert working on .... and wastes loads of thy verily important time while I watch it reload and try to find thy saved work. Thee hath lost countless sermons! Doth Apple knoweth what the public art missing? No brain ... no stability .... totally unhelpful and unforgivething. How dare-eth they do this unto a GOD!
Smite Apple Mac-eth! Curses be-eth upon them! I wilst ne’er forgiveth them!
And why wilst thee ne’er forgive-eth them? Behold! Thee hath complaineth bitterly before and they hath not respondeth! They hath not given unto THEE a personal reply, they hath not ran unto thy aid, fawned upon thee or taken it upon themselves to be-eth humble afore thee! They treateth THEE like-eth everyone else! Like-eth a commoner! Damn and blast! Thee canst not take-eth being treated like-eth everyone else! Thee art GOD! Respect-eth belong unto thee. Sycophantia belongeth unto thee and I wilst smite and curse-eth Apple Mac-eth until they comply!
The faster chip at present really giveth NO discernible increase in processing speed ...even in copying large numbers of files, or processing the large, brilliant, professional images I art used to .... not impressive-eth. And if I art not impressedeth then, take-eth note Apple Mac-eth – THE WORLD wilst not be-eth impressedeth either!!!
And the WORST THING? the HEAT !! The AWFUL HEAT .... THE OPRESSIVE, UNRELENTETHING HEAT!
The damn heat ... DAMN AND BLAST ... As I type this it art an INFERNO! LO!! the left hand part of the computer art burning thy hand. It art like trying to sit over an electric bar fire. The sweat pour-eth off thee.
Woe art thee!
Utter misery.
I hath cold compressseths on thy head, legs and posterior but it maketh no difference-eth.
Woe art thee!
I run the thing on a special well-ventilated stand, with a pharmaceutical cold pack underneath.
(I inventeth of the “Well-Ventilated-Red-Special-Pharmaceutical-Stand-With-Cold-Pack-Underneath” so it art copyethrighted – contact www.brianthewise.com if thou wish to purchase)
It STILL burns thy thighs .. Thy beautiful, milky white thighs! Woe!
Thy thighs art now red, angry and blotchy. Ugly. They art now filed in thy Vermilion File, but I think I might hath to transfer them unto the Magenta File or perhaps-eth the Fuchsia File? Damask, Flaming, Ruby, Russet and Blush art all full.
... And it maketh thee break out in a sweat after about 20 minutes. This really suck-eth. I no longer get any pleasure from working on Thy Professional images in Adobe-eth Photoshop (and how art I to go on entertaining the world and educating them in the arts if this art taken from thee??)
The heat art unbearable. Yea, I DO have all the energy-saving options turneth on. I art not stupid! It doeth not help. This machine art really driving thee out into the world looking for something better. So what art thou PC's like to operate, plebs ? Looks like you may have a convert soon unless Apple Mac-eth decideth to do some verily quick grovelling!
Find-eth thee someone to .... from Apple to com-eth over and make-eth the thing do what it art supposed to do without boiling Thy body.
Lo! I didst mistakenethly sit upon Thy Macethbook Pro yesterday and looketh what happened!
Doeth anyone care?
And doeth not scribe unto me and tell-eth me to look-eth this up on the Help Forum.
I am a God!
I doeth not DO Help Forums.
They art beneath thee.
Forums art for plebs.
You go look-eth it all up and then tell thee. If that art the only way I can get-eth answers then so be-eth it. But! I expect-eth a PERSONAL REPLY FROM THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE MANAGING DIRECTOR SUPERIOR OFFICER IN CHARGE OF APPLE MAC-ETH. I wilst not be-eth satisfied with any less. I am – BRIAN THE WISE GOD!
Cheers be upon ye
Bri the Wi
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