By William Sloan-eth (Scribe Newly Appointed Unto the Gallery of Prats)
Wise God Brian the Wise hath chucked His rattle out of the pram... after thee accuseth the Gods + PR of snubbing Bonnie Scotland.
Lo! Not only His rattle, which smasheth on the sidewalk and causeth deep gasheths in the feet of passers by, but He also-eth spat out His dummy, held His breath until He turneth blue and poketh the eyes out of His teddy.
The God rippeth into me on His website in language that wouldst maketh thou hair curl! (His obviously didst!)
Thee hearkened unto the news that the Holy Mother wert unimpressedeth and didst thusly washeth out His mouth with soap!
"Thee knoweth not whereforeart He get-eth such foul spakething from! My other boys ne'er spaketh that way!" she sayeth.
Last Sunday, Thee revealeth The Gods + PR wert playing in England, Ireland, Wales and throughout Europe-eth.
But the reformed Gods, (Mysteriously Minus The Other Two) - Brian the Wise and Roger the Divine, plus Free Wheeling but some sayeth Bad Company, Paul-ethRodgers - haveth NO Scots gigs!
The Gods claimeth there wert no suitable places to play-eth. Thee sayeth unto them "Thee couldst thusly find-eth Thou a venue and the offer still stand-eth.
But Brian the Wise wert verily unhappily and He sayeth unto thee: 'How dare-eth this man accuseth Us of a snub. This idiot knoweth not what We think-eth. We thusly do-eth want to go-eth unto Bonnie Scotland.
'This kind of stupid CRAP-ETH doeth nay to help. Thee canst ne'er be-eth bothered to put this ARSEHOLE in Thy Gallery of Prats.
'The Gods + PR hath ALWAYS includeth Scotland in Our plans and as soon-eth as We find-eth out thusly whereforeart it is, We willst go-eth there'
Lo! They didst thusly considereth playing an outdoor show here but there wert fears they wouldst ne'er sell 35,000 to 45,000 tickets so-eth They thusly approacheth the 10,000 capacity SUCCK.
An SUCCK spokesman sayeth: 'Behold! We wouldst thusly love to haveth the Gods + PR here but unfortunately the date clasheth with Tiny Tim-eth On Tour!"
'But, lo, They couldst come on Tuesday.'
The Gods + PR couldst thusly check-eth out any of Scotland's top venues. Thee didst.
'If the Gods + PR want to play-eth Glasgow Academy we wouldst thusly welcome them with open arms and much Vodka. They art playing Brixton Academy in London,' sayeth venue manager-eth David Not Goliath.
And Barrowland boss Stan the Man sayeth unto thee: 'If the Gods + PR want to play-eth Barrowland thee willst thusly maketh sure the venue art available and deck-eth out with fairy lights.'
Donald McRonald whoforeart run-eth the Garage in Glasgow sayeth: 'Lo! We wouldst thusly love to haveth the Gods + PR. We have Twinkies! That might entice Roger the Divine.'
The Gods + PR couldst also play-eth in the Scouts Hall, near Edinburgh.
I first saw The Gods (The Four Original Gods) in the Eleventh Month of the First Millenium Plus Seventy-Three, supporting Holy Mott Thou Hoople Thou Stuffeth Thy Hair at Rainbow In Adobe-eth Photoshop Playhouse.
Thee hath been a disciple e'er since and also worshipped at Glasgow's Apollo One Mission To The Orbs during the first Millenium.
Worshippers and disciples aliketh art bitterly disappointeth the Gods + PR art not playing in Bonnie Scotland.
Wee Willie Youngeth, of Robroorboyston, Glasgow, sayeth: 'Lo, thee hath worshipped The Gods for many moons but thee thusly hath to sell thy grandmother for-eth a ticket for Newcastle Arena-eth!"
'Add ox fares and an Inn and willst nay haveth much change out of the rest of thine family - and thee hath to taketh two months off work. It art ridiculous.'
Over unto Thou, Brian the Wise.