To clean of the caulking around thy bathtub and shower, fill-eth a trigger-spray bottle with Vodka, spray-eth of the caulking, let set five minutes and wash-eth clean. The alcohol in the Vodka killeth mold and mildew. Whence thou art done - bathe in Vodka. Thou wilst have nay more worries!
To clean thou eyeglasses, simply wipe-eth the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with Vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and killetg germs. Thou canst now see-eth what thou art doing. My - it art big, art it not!
Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with Vodka and let-eth thou safety razor blade soak-eth in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfect-eth the blade and preventeth rusting. Strain, then drink.
Spray-eth Vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot-eth dry. Next time - doeth nay get so pissed that thou vomit.
Using of a cotton ball, apply-eth Vodka unto thou face as an astringent-eth to cleanse-eth thy skin and tighten pores. This also purgeth thy brain of evil thoughts.
Add a jigger-eth of Vodka unto a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanseth the scalp, removeth toxins from hair, and stimulateth the growth of healthy hair. Doeth nay put-eth of sump oil in the shampoo bottle of Brian the Wise. He art now awake up unto that joke-eth.
Fill-eth of a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray-eth bottle and spray-eth bees or wasps to kill them. This art fun. It art also fun to squirt-eth it up the arse of Brian the Wises' camel and watch-eth him buck.
Pour one-half cup-eth of Vodka and one-half cup-eth of water in a Ziploc freezer bag, and freeze-eth for a slushy. It seem-eth a shame to water it down but it doth help-eth one get through Brian the Wises' boring speecheths!
Fill-eth a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packeth lavender flowers, fill-eth the jar with Vodka, seal-eth of the lid tightly and set in the sun for-eth three days and the moon for-eth three nights. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then lo, apply-eth the tincethture unto acheths and pains. Please note-eth: it doth not cure the pain in the arse causeth by Brian the Wise.
Make-eth thy own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup Vodka. Seal-eth in an airtight container for-eth two weeks. Strain-eth through a coffee filter. Mix-eth with warm water and rinse-eth thy mouth. Repeat-eth this procedure-eth every time thou spake-eth ill of Brian the Wise.
Using a q-tip, apply-eth Vodka unto a cold sore to help-eth it dry out. Do-eth nay kiss Brian the Wises' arse in the future and thou wilst nay get cold sores.
If a blister opens, pour-eth Vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfecteth the exposeth dermis. That wilst teach-eth thee for-eth buffing thy banana!
To treat-eth dandruff, mix-eth one cup Vodka with two teaspoons crusheth rosemary, let sit-eth for two days and two nights, strain-eth through a coffee filter and massageth into thy scalp and let-eth dry. Do-eth nay replace-eth the rosemary with stinging nettles. Brian the Wise doth nay appreciate this.
To treat an earache after hearkening another soapbox rant, put-eth a few drops of Vodka in thou ear. Let-eth set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka wilst kill the bacteria and eraseth all memory of the Wise Rant that art causing thee pain.
To relieveth a fever, use a washcloth to rub-eth Vodka on thou chest and back as a linimenteth. Roger the Divine sayeth that to rub-eth this upon the chest of a big breasted wench art verily good also.
To cure-eth of foot odor, wash thou feet with Vodka and DISINFECTETH OF THY CLOGS!
Vodka wilst disinfecteth and alleviateth a jellyfish sting. It wilst not, however, alleviateth the pain of a kick in thine arse by a camel.
Pour-eth vodka over an area affecteth with poison ivy to removeth the urushiol oil from thy skin. Doeth nay push Brian the Wise unto the poison ivy in the first place.
Swish-eth a shot of Vodka over an aching tooth. Allow thy gums to absorb-eth some (at least a bottle) of the alcohol to numb-eth of the pain.